reasons to live

I have sworn my life and blood to the holy war against the western christian materialist imperialists and while my life will be short, the death of a martyr is a celebrated one, in this life and the one to come.

Or so I keep telling my self. Sometimes... sometimes I have my doubts. It's true I can admit this in the relative anonymity of this blog and I can say that I've attempted it several times but there's always something, something that gets in the way. Sitting on the train there is always that child on their mother's lap who won't stop looking at me, staring wide-eyed with an un-remitting grin, forcing me to get off at the next station. I mean, are infidels really so bad? I knew plenty in high school and was even friends with some. Even recently I got a call from a work collegue who invited me to dinner with him and his wife in their appartment in the suburb across. They'd even done their homework, buying a halal cook book and so my other plans had to wait once more.

Sometimes I think I am not disciplined enough; to be honest I don't even have an exercise regime. I think of all the pictures of the mujahadeen that you see on television, in magazines and newspapers and on the internet, they are all dusty and lean, their eyes that stare straight through you. My mother's cooking is too good for me and even if I did lose all this weight, maybe I think that when I am dead the infidel media will just print old photos of me anyway. So I say to myself second helpings cannot hurt.

Sometimes I don't even take the belt with me. I tell myself later, when I get home that I forgot it, that I have too many things to think about that it just slipped my mind. But then there are days where I get so angry, a guy pushes in front of me at the supermarket or I see poverty or things on TV and I feel as though they need to pay. But there is so much anger around. So much righteous anger that I wonder whether from my perspective my blacks and whites are really not greys seen from above. And that I am not in the position to judge anyone in my name or someone elses'.

Sometimes I think about these things.